The Life and Crimes of NBA Fashion

Clothes, we all need them and we all wear them, from the big to the baggy to the brown. Some of us look absolutely downright smashing in the right outfit (not this guy) and others often look like homeless people when they take to the streets (this guy). To give you an idea of what I mean, let me introduce you to my world class model, Mr. John Mayer (insert sounds of women swooning).

Then again, maybe i am the one who is swooning

Let us take a look at Mr. Mayer's fashion choices for the past few years.

Mr. Mayer looks quite smashing here, nice looking jacket. Props. As you can see he is fist pumping, so there is a chance he is auditioning for 'Celebrity Shore: LA'.

This is Mr. Mayer auditioning for Agent K or Jason Bourne.

Ok, we have started to take a turn for the worse. Those pants look like something that you buy from Target to sleep in, poor move Johnny. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he brought them in the first place, or saw the need to actually wear these in public. It goes well with his 'I need to pass gas' face.

Really don't know what to say here, is he going on an Egyptian pyramid adventure?? He has also chosen to adopt a Johnny Depp-esque hairstyle, which really suits the whole 'I have no home' theme he has going on here.

So, as you can see from our lovely model here, things can go from bad to worse very quickly. But what we are really after is swag, something that makes the world say 'dayum'. Does Mr. Mayer have swag in any of those pictures? Definitely the first two. I am half expecting him to through out a pun, throw on a pair of glasses and start jamming to The Who while screaming "Yeeeeoooowwwww". In the later two he is ready to join me feeding the homeless on a Thursday night, the swag meter hits a solid D-. Not cool Mr. Mayer, not cool.

But what about the NBA? A place where fashion enters more phases than Lindsay Lohan's rehab program (I have it on reasonably poor sources that she is acting in movies again, go figure). How has the NBA's fashion changed over time?? Does it have the swag of early John Mayer, or has it fallen faster than one of those towers constructed out of cards?? Let's take a look.

The Hotpants - Jordan Era

It was important to join these two because geez, there is no other way to say it, those hotpants were bad. Not even women wore pants this high in the early 90's, now that was a serious issue, ye gads.

They were one little slip or bad footing away from the whole world getting a peak at the 'land down under'. I don't know if it was easier to move in them, I was informed by my fashion expert brother that my surf shorts were now referred to as "Shants" and repelled women faster than mullets. I didn't even know such a thing as shants existed, but google said they did and so here they are. Keep in mind this is similar length (if not a bit longer) than what the NBA players wear today and they move just fine. In fact, we may see LeBron racing the 100m sprint at the next Olympics.

'My mom still does my clothes shopping for me'

Now how about off the court, where do we stand there?

Here is MJ in what is hopefully not his sunday best, with a lovely young lady who appears to be wearing something resembling a raincoat. What should first trouble you is, yes, he was actually photographed wearing this, people were able to see him in his tracksuit in magazines. It is not only 2 sizes too big, but comes with a god ugly hat. I don't know if it is a 90's version of a snap back, or something that you pick up from a french retro-arts sport store. Either way he is not the only one guilty of atrocities committed to the eyes. Here is his pal Scottie.

I see red people....

DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THEM. Dear God, I have no idea what those pants are. You can forgive the red shirt, considering the whole championship thing. But maaan, those pants, Criss Angel is out there, right now, hypnotizing somebody by having them stare directly at them.

Think he can play ball in this bad boy??

Now we have Isiah Thomas, two time NBA champion, multiple time franchise destroyer giving the giant middle finger to PETA. It's ok though, because bears hibernate during the winter and who needs that lovely plump fur coat when you are sleeping anyway?? Now I would like to draw your attention to the background. I do not know much about New York City in the winter, but it doesnt really seem 'cold' in that picture does it?? A quick google of 'New York City winter' had snow on the buildings and in the streets, draw your own conclusions. Now I swear I have seen something like this before...

Oh yes, on women, because guys dont wear fur coats right??


Ok, maybe not, but then again this is Pharrell

Thankfully all these guys wised up with age and now off the court wear lovely suits, you cannot go wrong with a good suit.

They are smiling, because they aren't gonna be seen wearing hypnosis pants or the tracksuit anymore

The Allen Iverson era


My watch is worth more than your house

This is Dr. Allen Iverson aka Mr "Practice", who has a Ph. D. in wearing the wrong team's uniform. eBay informed me that this is an old school Kareem jersey. Now, this is important for a key reason. Mainly that he was donning the throwbacks before they were popular, some would say that people today are "practicing" this craft (BAM!! Too perfect to resist). To show the widespread influence of our entrepreneur (you should've seen my first attempt to spell that word) i present the youth of today!!

Behold, the IQ scores of these lads

Here are our youths in their "throwbacks". $10 and whatever coin I have lying around goes to the person under 23 who can name the teams all 4 of those (each jersey of which, have phenomenal stitch work) players play for. Seriously, teens today are wearing these everywhere, it's insane!! It could be worse though, they could be wearing shants.

Dr. Iverson is also a bit of a chameleon, the invisible man, master of illusions. Here is his best work.

Allen Iverson or surf ski instructor? Check out the life jacket on him, those are the things flight attendants demonstrate how to use in case of an emergency.

Allen Iverson or Jay-Z?? Once again poor Dr. Iverson has got himself confused, he doesnt know what team he is on. Maybe it's because he doesnt practice?? I will definitely admit that he looks good though, going back to basics, nothing too fancy, just wearing what counts. In this case, what counts also includes a chain, still gotta rep the bling. It is good to see he has moved away from life-saving devices.

AWESOME!!!!

HOLY SHIT THAT BASKETBALL IS ON FIRE!!!!! Seriously, it is on fire. Not only does he look like he is ready to take on Will Smith in a battle of the badasses, but his weapon of choice is a flaming basketball. Alternatively this is Allen Iverson, master of illusions as he prepares to take over from Nicholas Cage and star in the next Ghost Rider movie (hopefully he doesn't have to practice any lines or it could get ugly). We have had Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brittany Spears: Panic head shaver and now Allen Iverson: Contract Killer

The Modern Era

Now we've hit the modern era of NBA fashion, a place where no man can foresee what lies ahead. Got more twists and turns than a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen, allow me to present:

Yes Admiral??

All aboard the Starship enterprise!! Seriously, what broke down in the Celtics locker room to have Rondo walk out in that outfit? Did Captain Picard play him a visit and ask him to go on a journey to discover strange new worlds with him?? Bring your attention away from the black hole that is Rondo for a second and take a look at Ray Allen's face, he knows what is going on next to him. If that is the type of crazy business that goes on in the Celtics locker room i am no longer suprised that Ray left. Although we know what glasses Rondo would wear dont we...


Can somebody say reboot??

Sadly, this isn't the only time that Rondo has tried to imitate something famous.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle the zebra sleeps tonight!!

Sadly this is only the beginning...

I can see the aura of 'cool' already

Dear God i am BLIND!!!!! Trick question who is this, Kanye West? Dwyane Wade? Dwyane West? Times up!!! The answer is B. Yes this is our man Dwyane Wade. MJ is looking back in his trackies and thinking "what the hell are they feeding the young bloods these days?". Considering Wades performance that game, MJ is considering making this attire compulsory for all Bobcats players from the 2012-2013 season onwards. I guess at least they'll be making their next few trips to the lottery in style!! Apparently these are his 'close out game' pants (according to LeBron). If that's the case I would hate to see what he wore when he proposed to his fine model girlfriend when he sealed that deal. If I was to venture a guess, it would probably look something like this:

Forget pants i am going the whole 9 yards

I don't really know what else to say about this, they are pink. PINK!! As a young man raised in the fire of Mordor (or your average suburban home) I was always under the impression that pink was a girly color and not to be worn, EVER!! It was almost as if the cooties would spread or something. I'll tell you what though, it takes a huge amount of balls to pull this off, that or he lost a bet and had to wear the most ridiculous thing in his wardrobe. Either that or he has taken a few too many hits from the old 'Michael Phelps' (catch my drift). What is really sad, is that he actually had this in his wardrobe, which means that he spent money on this, money that could have been gifted to me to buy real pants.

Do you know what the worst thing about these pants is (besides i am currently searching for a pair on eBay)? It's that the madness has spread!! Take a look at LeBron here

'Look, just ask D-Wade I got nothin' to say bout this'

I would also like to point out that this is not the most absurd thing that Dwyane Wade has worn. Let me introduce you to the rainbow that is Dwyane Wade!!

Tweety!

East All-Stars Jacket 2013

Wade pulling the same crap by wearing more ridiculously colored pants

Moving on from Dwrainbow Wade we have

This shirt connects to my legs, turning them into springs

Russell Westbrook, the new end of the NBA spectrum, the new bloods that will swoop in and save the day right? Right? Wrong!!! Take a look at that shirt, they may as well just call him Captain Hook. That is something you give an overweight man from those trailer parks in the south so that they can look as ridiculous as they actually are.

You may be thinking 'surely this is a one time thing, things can only go up from here right'? Wrong again!! Westbrook has been pulling the same crap for the past few years. Ladies and Gentlemen please turn your attention to exhibit A

Picassos artworks are now re-entering circulation

I think I see the Swedish and Scottish flags in there

I would also like to draw attention momentarily to the ridiculous glasses. That however is a story for another blog.

Mr. Awesome at your service

Here he is, Nick Young, Swaggy P., Mr. Ralph Lauren himself. I don't know what else to say here, there are no words, in fact it goes beyond no words. That is, without a doubt, the GREATEST shirt I have ever seen. Ever. It isn't even close. This shirt is more awesome than the bowling shirts Charlie Sheen used to wear on Two and a Half Men.

You know why Sheens shirts were so good?? Because you knew each and every last one of them had enough cocaine on there to put there owner away for 10 years for 'Possession with intent to sell'. This beautiful piece of woven material just blows it out of the water, the fact Swaggy P. had enough balls to actually wear this thing in public is just ridiculous. He is the Travis Pastrana of the fashion world, breaking boundaries. Pastrana has the double backflip, Nick Young has this shirt.

You know what is really bad though, I have spent hours (repeat hours) going to the very edges of the internet looking for that shirt. I've navigated through sites that I couldnt believe even sold clothes, as well as eBay and you know what I have found?? Nothing, nothing even close to it. I even tried 'Awesome swaggy shirts', no surprise that didn't really turn out the way I had hoped.

So as you can see, the NBA is poisoning our youth. We want to grow up and wear these types of outfits, we are thinking, 'yeah I can totally pull off those pink pants' (wrong) and 'it's ok to wear a shirt that has more hooks than an episode of Bass Fishing' (very wrong). In fact, science shows that non-NBA players wearing those kind of clothes are 68% more likely to be turned down by women and are 95% more likely to beaten up by a guy like this

Try running away from this in those pants, go on I dare you

Unless you are me, I can totally pull the pink pants off. In fact, this gives me an idea, a very very grand idea. Hold this thought and i'll get back to you.

The Redemption

Excellent case of 'Suit costs more than car'

This man right here, is the captain of cool, Kobe 'Smooth' Bryant. He doesn't need shirts from the Salvation army or pants that could feature on the cover of a Nicki Minaj album, the man has gone back to the basics. There is really nothing that beats a good suit, he looks fierce, smashing even. But is this a fluke??

Oh yeah

No it's not!! There is our man Kobe at the podium, probably after taking 85% of his teams shots and calling a member of his team 'soft'. You know what, he looks really good. He just rocks the suit, lets it do the talking for him. The suit reeks of elegance, something that says 'Yeah, I am Boss', not 'My 5 year old child does my shopping for me', unlike this guy...

Ye Gads!!

I know exactly how this conversation went down.

Pierce: They are a little big arent they son??
Son: I got the biggest ones there were because my daddy is the biggest and best!!
Pierce: Oh dear....

People like Kobe give me hope, hope that one day an impressionable young adult (like myself) will turn his or her back from the brightly colored light and towards something that doesn't make your parents think 'Yeah, I definitely dropped them on their head..'

If I can leave you with something, let it be a glimmer of hope, that there is light in the darkness that is NBA fashion, there is, Kobe Bryant!!